"We live in a world of 'shoulds' and if we do not meet our particular list of shoulds, we frequently feel guilty. Yet the real question is: 'Are those shoulds of ours realistic or healthy or even possible?'
Should comes from the Anglo-Saxon word for scold. Too often we scold ourselves for not being perfect or not being able to make those around us happy. But nobody's perfect, so it's time to stop beating ourselves up.
A Few Common 'Shoulds'
I should always be kind, patient, loving and encouraging in ever situation.
I should never make mistakes.
I should never forget.
I should always be happy and positive and have a great attitude.
I should be able to quickly find the best solution to every problem.
I should never be angry, frustrated or lose my temper.
I should never hurt anybody.
I should always be prepared (for anything).
I should be a positive example in all I say and do.
I should never get sick or exhausted.
I should be able to deal with any difficulty or trauma with complete composure.
I should never let people discourage or disappoint me.
I should never let my feelings control me.
I should always be perfect."
_______
Taking the 'shoulds' to the next level. Turning the need for power grabbing, pushing 'shoulds' into inclusion, deep connection and opening the door to trust and intimacy through loving inquiry. Thank you, to both Jims, for this timely email the same day...
'It is a common human desire to be heard, understood, and valued by others. This is good. There is an even deeper, even more fundamental need to feel connected and included as an equal among one's fellow human beings. This is great. As Jim Collins says so cleverly in his bestseller, Good to Great, "the enemy of the great is the good." Pursuing the good (one's own sense of personal power), at the expense of another, which can often sound very needy and prescriptive, with sentences starting like (or feeling like to them), "You need to ..." or "You should ..." often destroys the impact of whatever potentially useful information might follow. Speaking from a desperate "needing to be understood" is a cleverly disguised power grab, an attempt to feel more powerful than another, and it pushes away the more essential need for equality, inclusion, and intimacy. Words like, "Can you please help me better understand you?" or "Is there anything you are requesting from me in this, or would you just appreciate my listening and support?" are connective in nature, desiring intimacy through inquiry. They often open the door for input through trust and deep connection, in a way that is sure to be heard and valued, thereby increasing the power and influence of whatever relevant information that might follow.'
Taking the 'shoulds' to the next level. Turning the need for power grabbing, pushing 'shoulds' into inclusion, deep connection and opening the door to trust and intimacy through loving inquiry. Thank you, to both Jims, for this timely email the same day...
'It is a common human desire to be heard, understood, and valued by others. This is good. There is an even deeper, even more fundamental need to feel connected and included as an equal among one's fellow human beings. This is great. As Jim Collins says so cleverly in his bestseller, Good to Great, "the enemy of the great is the good." Pursuing the good (one's own sense of personal power), at the expense of another, which can often sound very needy and prescriptive, with sentences starting like (or feeling like to them), "You need to ..." or "You should ..." often destroys the impact of whatever potentially useful information might follow. Speaking from a desperate "needing to be understood" is a cleverly disguised power grab, an attempt to feel more powerful than another, and it pushes away the more essential need for equality, inclusion, and intimacy. Words like, "Can you please help me better understand you?" or "Is there anything you are requesting from me in this, or would you just appreciate my listening and support?" are connective in nature, desiring intimacy through inquiry. They often open the door for input through trust and deep connection, in a way that is sure to be heard and valued, thereby increasing the power and influence of whatever relevant information that might follow.'
I may never fully get it and won't beat myself anymore up as a student in this study of 'Life' as I am constantly learning and practicing 'to choose life' with this goal and objective: Set aside the need to exert personal power (where I fail everytime) by trying to force connection with 'shoulds' and 'ought tos' and instead practice opening the door to listening and support to find deeper connection and intimacy.
No comments:
Post a Comment