What Has Changed in Me?
(After sleeping late and spending time this morning sharing with a precious sister, I am in a brain fog from the sinus medication, and at least now I can use that excuse for my procrastination. Maybe I don't need my brain when using my heart :-)
After almost a year now of posting my blog, I look back and think, was there really anything different in what I have shared? It started off with 'love' and it still is 'love'. From the beginning 'His Heart My Heart' followed with 'Your Heart' because we are all connected. There is a deeper experience following Jesus to love Him with all my heart, my mind and my soul. To love others as I love myself, to receive love from the Lord and like a conduit pass it on to others. My openness to receive love previously had been blocked or filtered through a formed self view based on past experiences and 'thinking' love instead of 'feeling' love. It isn't that I didn't love or that I wasn't loved, there was a deeper 'healing love' emerging. The scripture 'you reap what you sow' or the saying 'what goes around comes around' has taken on a deeper meaning which is Love.
Within my heart, here I am, vulnerable, transparent, broken not able to hold anything together and thank God for that! Subconsciously I tried to create perfection (as a service to the Lord, what a dishonor to Him Who is the only perfection). My life has been everything from being abused to being an abuser, from being hurt and as a result of trying hold it all together to make sure it didn't happen again, from an artificial ego feeding life that I created for myself to the crazy expectation for others to follow along with me and even called 'slave driver' and not seeing it because of the laugh behind the comment, when it really was true. What I expected of myself, I expected of others. And thank God, I now see that no one should or can ever be driven to perform and definitely can never be driven to perfection. And the beauty is He doesn't ask us for perfection ever, just to love Him and in loving Him somehow everything falls into place without 'my' effort to make things happen. Yes, I have changed and thank God He has allowed the beam in my eye to fall out!! I may not be able to see what is ahead of me, but definitely can see the wake of destruction behind me and the beauty of this still, present moment.
I am completely in love with Jesus, there is no other need. This love is not the 'doing' of service but being His servant. My commitment is to be wherever He calls me to be, and do whatever He wants me to do. I was not driven to this place, it was offered with the most beautiful compassion from one who is totally committed to love and spread the unconditional love of Jesus to all. No longer concerned about appearances, I take one day at a time and try to live the best I can in this flesh just for Him, an incredible beauty is unfolding in front of me this very moment, every need is met, healing is happening, souls are being connected, His Word Is in each of us.
We have a commitment to each other and that is being Jesus' love for others. My call has been increased to being His 'servant' and learning to love in any situation.
We all have His love within us, our very breath calls out in praise to Him for He is Love.
What has changed in me? Nothing that God has freely given to me, only my mind and my flesh and that is an ongoing process.
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